So you’re sober, single and ready to mingle? Are you experiencing nervousness and apprehension about what lay ahead? Are you extra worried about being rejected by someone over the fact you don’t drink? I can confidently tell you that I have been through the dating gamut many times since sobering up and have encountered all types of situations. And through it all I’ve learnt one solid lesson: honesty is the best policy.
When we go on that milestone first date we are always trying to present our best. First impressions are huge and this is the opportunity to start things off on the right foot. We want our best qualities to shine in hopes that we make a positive, lasting impression on the new romance in our life. But many of us are also reserved about opening up too much for fear that letting people into our private lives may turn them away.
This can be especially true for recovering alcoholics. Not only are we weighed down by the nervousness a first date can conjur, but there is the added stress of when and how to open up about the fact that we don’t drink and why. Should we get it out of the way and mention it first thing? Maybe drop it into the conversation at dinner? Or just eliminate all worry from the start and show up wearing a sweater with the phrase “I don’t drink”?
When and how to mention it can cause just as much anxiety as the date itself. While there is no right or wrong way to do it, my attitude on how to handle it has shifted over time.
During my early sobriety I tended to avoid bringing up the fact I don’t drink for quite a few dates. In my mind I wanted the person to get to know me for all the good I have to offer versus judging me on the fact I don’t drink. I would choose environments that didn’t involve liquor for our first dates. When the time came I’d use excuses to justify my ordering a soda over a beer when asked about it, and quickly try and turn the conversation in a different direction.
I would never lie about it, as telling someone I’m ordering a tea because “I’m on a health kick” isn’t inaccurate. I just wouldn’t be quick to volunteer the entire truth behind the reasons for this new found healthy lifestyle.
However, eventually the time would come when I had to be honest about it. And I can tell you this much with total honesty; most of the reactions were never near as bad as I’d have anticipated them or built them up in my head.
Many times it’s resulted in the girl asking me a question or two about it and then carrying on. And often they have shared that someone close to them has struggled with alcohol too. I use this opportunity to listen, and feel out how their life may have been impacted by alcoholism. I try and gauge if they have a comfortable understanding of it or if it’s just a bad memory they’d sooner forget.
I’ve been asked “well, what does that mean?” as they’ve probably never encountered it in their life or known anyone who struggles so they are just genuinely unaware. I simply say that I am unable to drink, that I’m comfortable with that fact and that I live an unbelievably happy and fulfilling life just the same. I also say that just because I don’t drink doesn’t mean I expect the same from them. I am happy to date someone that drinks, although my desire to go out with a party girl has long passed. I just want them to be themselves and not change a thing on my account.
Now, not all reactions have been ideal ones unfortunately. I did have one girl years ago tell me “I wish you drank” after a few dates. In her defense it wasn’t that she was looking for someone to get plastered with on a daily basis. It was more that she wanted to be able to share a drink with someone occasionally. And honestly, I think she felt uncomfortable having a drink at dinner and me just having water. No harm done, and I appreciated her honestly. Though it was a tough pill to swallow at the time.
I also had a girl laugh at me once. Not in an intentionally belittling manner, but she didn’t seem to believe me at first when I said “I’m a recovering alcoholic”. She asked “really?” and I said yes a second time and the laughs continued. It took me three or four times of saying “yes” for her to realize this wasn’t some witty, sarcastic joke and that I sincerely dealt with alcoholism. She did feel bad after and it honestly didn’t bother me emotionally. But I hate to think of how many fragile, newly sober people would feel much differently in a similar situation.
If I can offer you one piece of advice, it’s to just be yourself. You don’t drink and there’s nothing wrong with that. If your date has an issue with it, too bad for them. As I once heard ”no I don’t drink, and if that’s a problem it’s your problem”.
The person meant for you will understand and like you for who you are. Believe me, there are countless people that would rather date a non-drinker over someone who drinks excessively. Everyone has something they’re afraid to reveal to a new person for fear of rejection. Just be patient and the right person will find you soon enough. Let yourself be appreciated for who you are. Let yourself live!
