Experiencing a relapse can be an awful ordeal yet one a recovering young alcoholic may have to endure. Have you ever woken up after a destructive night of drinking and vowed to the heavens that you’d never drink again? Maybe you’re in a pit of shame reliving the hellish night you just managed to survive. Or perhaps you’re experiencing the effects of a wicked hangover, feeling like you’ll never bounce back. Worse yet, you may have just gone through a spell of sobriety and somehow found yourself back in an all to familiar scenario.
I can confidently tell you that I’ve experienced all three of the scenarios above, and honestly none of them feel all that great. To be truthful, the rough hangover is probably the least punishing feeling for you know that it will most likely pass the quickest. But once the hangover runs its course, you are often left with shame and remorse. These feelings can linger for days after and eat away at your mental health and potentially push you further back than ahead.
Breaking any spell of sobriety with a relapse can be brutally discouraging. And it can often lead to a long period of drinking before you take another shot at going clean. I know I’d be stuck with the thought of “why bother?”, or that I couldn’t do it. I’d miss the calm that I experienced during sobriety, and kick myself for falling back into the depths of alcoholism. Yet it was the desire to once again enjoy that calmness that motivated me to finally get back on track and finally achieve the sobriety I currently enjoy to this day.
Relapsing can be a part of recovery, and for some people it takes throwing themselves into the fire one more time to realize just how badly it burns. Relapsing can lead to an emotional hurricane that is often too easily covered up by just indulging more and losing sight of what’s important and why you tried getting sober in the first place. I relapsed multiple times, although many of my attempts to quit were nothing more than me trying to appease others or get out of trouble and show that I was a changed man.
No doubt there was always a part of me that wanted to quit drinking, but in hindsight I was doing it for all of the wrong reasons. It wasn’t until I finally decided that I wanted it for myself that I was actually able to begin healing and attaining some peace in my life. And by doing it for myself I was indirectly doing it for others without really knowing it at first. As time passed I was able to rebuild trust with my family, my friends, my employer. Relationships started strengthening again as I found new life in myself. I was able to grow emotionally, mentally, physically and even spiritually which all gave me the stability I needed to progress in my life.
In hindsight I do not regret my relapses. Sure, they were miserable affairs and slowed me down at the time. But looking back I now know that for me, they helped me realize that I do have an issue with alcohol that is beyond my control. They taught me that I couldn’t fight alcoholism and win, but rather that I would have to learn to live with it. They taught me some valuable lessons that I still carry forward to this day. At the end of my final relapse a counsellor gave me one comforting piece of advice that helped me when I needed it the most, and I share it with those of you who are currently beating yourself up over a relapse; “put down the whip”.
